Yesterday (Saturday) was a tough day. Nothing too crazy happened but I had a 2 month old who didn’t want to go to sleep properly and a 4 and 6 year old who both for some reason really wanted my attention ALL DAY. By 5pm I was at freaking out point. There is something about a baby not sleeping when I know they are exhausted that makes me a little beside myself and hours of walking and rocking and bouncing not working.
This is my third child so I do know everything is temporary and it is most likely a bad day, however when you are in it, it is really hard to keep perspective.
It took hubby and I two years to finally decide to have a third baby as I found 2 kids under 3 full on. It was mostly when they were both in those toddler years. I remember days where I wanted to just walk out the door and get a bus and just go somewhere, anywhere. What I also know is that those feelings passed and at some point it was ok and even enjoyable.
The past year with hubby, me and the two girls has been really great and I know for me I just really struggled with those toddler years.
It was scary yesterday to have some of those feelings pop up again. What I do know is I want to enjoy my kids right here and right now as this is it. What’s even harder for me is not how I feel about my kids at the time but how it makes me feel about hubby.
For some reason when I am overwhelmed and at capacity his lack of awareness and help infuriates me. I find myself focusing on him and blaming him for making my life harder when it is already hard enough.
A very wise and beautiful friend once said to me when we are struggling in ourselves we tend to look at other people and make them the problem when our struggle is really within ourselves. She too would focus on her husband and be constantly looking for things he was doing so somehow he was to blame for how she was feeling. She made a little phrase for herself in her head to help pull herself out of doing that which was “Eyes Off [insert husband name here]“.
My husband is not perfect and could certainly work on a few things to make life a little easier but so could I. What I do know is that I don’t want to spend the next 2 years of my life wishing I could walk out the door and catch a bus somewhere, anywhere and looking at my husband with frustration and anger.
I have not felt like that for years and he has not changed in the past 2 months so it is just the situation of a new baby and adjusting to that change. It is so easy to blame but there is no one to blame it just is what it is.
When I was at the heights of my toddler and parenting overwhelm and struggle with the two girls I organised to go see a gratitude coach. Sounds weird right?? haha
Every fortnight for a period of time I would go and visit this lovely lady and we would talk for an hour and she would set me tasks I had to do between our visits which reminded me of how lucky I was. Every day I had to e-mail her first thing in the morning with a list of 3 things I was grateful for, for my hubby and two kids. There was something about doing it first thing in the morning and having to sit and think about and look for things that I was grateful for in the individuals in my family that changed what I saw when I looked at them. I stopped looking at them and seeing all the things that they were doing which was making my life harder (when I already felt like I was doing my best) but instead started to see the goodness and the kindness they show me every day.
So I have decided I am on a mission. My mission is to love and enjoy the next two years of my life with three kids and my husband. I don’t want to survive it I was to thrive in it because this is it. One thing I have learnt in my seven years of parenting so far is you find what you look for and I am going to look for the good.
I am Grateful
So here are 3 things I am grateful for right now when I look at each members of my family:
1) I am grateful my husband cooks dinner every night while I am busy with the baby
2) I am grateful my husband loves music and is constantly finding new inspiring tunes to play in the house (we all love music in this house)
3) I am grateful my husband reminds me to slow down and enjoy my coffee
1) I am grateful for her energy and enthusiasm for life
2) I am grateful that when I ask her to help me out she is happy to most of the time
3) I am grateful for her kind heart towards other people
1) I am grateful she teaches me to slow down and be in the present
2) I am grateful for her endless cuddles and kisses
3) I am grateful for how she loves her baby brother so much
Mister 2 Months
1) I am grateful that he sleeps all night with only one feed
2) I am grateful for his smiles and chatting which always warm my heart
3) I am grateful he likes his baby carrier and will fall asleep in their rather easily
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