I know this is not everybody’s story but it is mine and I felt like sharing it. Forever and ever since I can remember making friends has not been easy. Don’t get me wrong I have friends in my life but finding those people who call me their person and who are loyal to me in those moments when it matters or chooses me to be by their side has never been easy for me.
It seems like most other people talk about their close friends. People they have known since they were 2 years old or in primary school who they could not live without. I could not even tell you the name of one “friend” I had in primary school before grade 4.
I often laugh at how many people I know and are “friends” with but the only time in my whole life I have been someone’s bridesmaid was for my sister which is awesome but kind of different when it is family. (I do want to interject on myself right here and say I do have a best friend who I met as an adult and have been friends with for over 10 years now who I feel absolutely safe with in my vulnerabilities … the thing is she moved away a while ago and I do see her semi-regularly but have also been working on trying to make new quality friends).
I love a quality conversation and people who are driven to make stuff happen. I have always been someone who puts on events, makes things happen and does big effort type things that I think are good things to do. I have noticed this attracts a certain type of people that I really like. I often think wow we can totally be friends and it appears they feel the same … or at least for a while.
It’s hard to know exactly what is happening as I am only one half of the friendship and maybe I am just a crazy annoying person without realising it haha. I seem to form these great relationships with people for a while but then they kind of move on from me. I am still there and they still keep me around, mostly because I think I am useful to them, but they never refer to me as one of their people like I hear them speak about other people or experience in their actions when it matters.
I am a confident person who survives despite all of this as it’s the story of my life and you kind of get use to it after a while. I am not a hangeronerer and not desperate for quality friendship at the expense of my self respect and I know when to walk away. I am generous where I can be and try hard not to compete and just to support people but somehow I feel like I am missing something as I continue to have this repeating story in my life?
I have no idea where I am going with any of this but just wanted to get it off my chest. Am I alone here or do other people have a similar experience? Is everyone just faking it and really feeling like they are kind of on their own?