Sometimes I get really self-righteous…and forget I was a kid once too. I do the whole “what were you even thinking when you drank straight from the milk container?!?” or “Did you think I wouldn’t notice AND be ok with you eating ice cream at 7:00 O’clock in the morning on a Saturday or just wouldn’t notice…” The thing is, the TRUTH is, I still do some of the “kid” things still. I just do them in secret. I do them because it’s great to be an adult and I CAN and I do them because it still feels a bit naughty and I do them because, well, I figure I can get away with it now…I am 38 years old after all. I had a moment of feeling like a bad parent reading this back to myself. It passed!!!! The fact is, I survived. My kids survived. Their kids will survive. The cycle of “tricking” our kids into thinking we are completely mature “adults” at all times will continue until the end of time. It’s nice to have the shoe on the other foot! I remember when it was being done to ME!!!!
And I’m not alone! I KNOW there are plenty of things YOU do completely in SECRET when you think you aren’t going to get caught by YOUR kids too…Here are some of my personal favourites.
- Eat your kids Party Bag Lollies. The best ones…You know you do. In fact this started before parenting. This started when I was babysitting…and now the kid I used to babysit is an adult and I still harbour guilt (not enough to not do it to my own kids) but enough that I recently fessed up. It was hard. But because he handled it so well, I’ve decided my kids don’t need all that sugar anyway and therefore I’m actually doing them a favour!!! Yeah!
- Use the television, movie, and cartoons, Ipad or Iphone as a babysitter when you want to have some down time. I SWORE I would never do it…#fail. In fact I’ll hand my phone over at the Dr’s surgery, in the car if I need to make a call or don’t have the energy to talk to be honest. I’ll let the kids watch a movie on a Sunday afternoon if I want to have a nap and don’t feel like playing another round of monopoly. Yeah, I’m guilty. I use electronics as a babysitter…
- Eat ice cream straight from the tub. I’m an adult now! I CAN!!! I would actually have a conniption if I saw my boys doing this. I am like Ms. Manners. More like Ms. Hypocritical!!!! I am praying my teen does not read my blogs until he leaves the house!!! Oh yeah, I don’t just eat from the tub, I eat from the tub IN MY BED. The place where food is NOT ALLOWED. I remember being in University and stumbling in with my girlfriend just as the sun rose. I climbed into bed with a spoon and tub of ice cream and I remember thinking “gee I love being an adult” with a giggle. Well as a parent I get to not only get away with it I get to instruct the smaller versions of myself that they must wait until they too are the grown up version until they will have such privileges!!!
- Use your kid as an excuse to get out of something. It’s true. I have pulled out on engagements, dates, work commitments and the odd home sales party with the excuse my kid isn’t feeling well. I’ve also made excuses using my kids for being late or forgetting altogether…Very very bad!!! Not commendable behaviour! Not how I would want my kids to behave. Feeling very guilty writing this and it must stop! #shameful #nottheonlyone.
- Lie about my kid’s age for cheap tickets. My now 14 year old who is taller than I am and sounds like a man but is still somehow getting into the movies and theme parks because I do a “He’s 12” VERY convincingly!!! Aaaaaand he gets the kids menu (with the free desert and drink) at the pub. I am so dodgy. This is not looking good. The irony is I clearly recall being totally MORTIFIED that my Mother would do this well and truly past the age where it wasn’t completely obvious but how could they prove her wrong. I am turning into my Mother. Oh dear God.
- Invent your own laws. I have actually told both of my children at different times that if they kept on with their public display of bad behaviour the check out chick would be forced to contact the police and they could be taken away from me. During a particularly bad tantrum I even pointed to someone on their phone and said “Did you hear that? She’s on the phone with the police now!!!” It worked. #mean
- Pretend you don’t know your own child. I thought it was HILARIOUS. I was being nagged and nagged and nagged in line for chips, a can of soft drink, some lollies and I’d had enough. So I turned to my then 12 year old and in a loud enough voice to embarrass him said, “I don’t know you. I don’t know why you are calling me Mum. I don’t know where or who your real Mother is but this feels really quite strange to me and I may have to report you to management.” My son blushing horrendously and whispering “Muuuuummmm!!!!” To which I replied, “Seriously kid. Let it go. The jokes over! I’m not your Mother. Now LEAVE. ME. ALONE.” Didn’t go down in the “I’m the funniest person EVER” way I had intended!!! #donottrythis.
- Skip sections or pages of a book you’re reading to your littlie…What can I say? The book was longer than I expected. I was tired. He was tired. We’d all heard the story a KAZILLION times already and so a little skip here and there wasn’t going to hurt anyone!!! Except I ALWAYS got caught out!!! And then had to go back. And then it actually took longer than if I had read all twelve days of Christmas instead of just 9…
- Forget to put the tooth money out and then blame it on the tooth fairy…I mean she’s a really busy lady collecting all those teeth and she can’t work ALL NIGHT I mean she’d be exhausted so sometimes she has to come back another night. If this happens then obviously you’ll get a bit more for your tooth (interest on the tooth) which makes it totally worthwhile anyway!!! Falls for it every time…
- Tells the wrong time…I’ll start. ”Do you know what the time is?” Of course they don’t. “Bed time!!! In fact it’s PAST your bed time. It’s LATE like 8:30pm.” When in fact it’s 8:00pm but my favourite show is going to come on at 8:30pm and it’s the finale and I’ve been following it all season and I just can’t miss the beginning I mean is he going to actually ask someone to marry him or what is this bachelor actually thinking??? So maybe just this once I’ll put them to bed a little early I mean what will it hurt?!?
I love them. They know I love them. We have a really good time together and our house is FULL of laughter and silliness. And sometimes I get it right and sometimes I get it wrong. Nope, I’m not alone and like the majority of us I think our kids will probably turn out just fine despite our failed attempts, despite our poor but harmless examples, despite our embarrassing choices and despite it having been done to us one in one form or another. But don’t tell my kids that…
Written By School Mum Carla