I love reflecting on the past and seeing where I have been and where I am now. I recall about a year ago finally feeling that I had accepted this thing called motherhood. It only took me 6 years lol.
I had my first child at 24 which is considered young these days but at the time I thought I had done everything I wanted to do so why not. Hubby and I had been married for 3 years. Hubby is also 9 years older than me so he felt like his biological clock was ticking in terms of energy for small children.
I had 2 degrees, a house and a car, had lived overseas for 3 months and travelled around the world what more was there to do? I had ticked all the boxes and was ready to be a mum. The first year of motherhood was pretty great overall. Our daughter was a great baby but it did have its moments of brain numbing boredom and clock watching in the afternoons.
When baby number 2 came along things got a bit trickier. That easy baby turned out to be a not so easy toddler (which you can read about here) and then I had another baby to look after. I remember about 3 years into being a mum thinking this is not what I was expecting. It was tough. Really tough. I found myself feeling quite a bit of resentment towards my children. I wanted a break. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and I struggled with the fact that I was no longer first.
I loved my kids but I felt like a slave to them at times and the requests and needs never ended.
I remember sitting on the couch with hubby one night and saying “people say you have to enjoy your kids when they are small as it is such a precious time and you don’t want to miss it”. I remember sobbing and saying I am not enjoying this at all. I feel like a slave to these kids and I don’t know if it will ever end.
If I was honest I felt like this for a good 2 years. I wondered if it was ever going to end and if I was ever going to enjoy my children. Don’t get me wrong there were moments but the overall vibe was struggle street.
The reality was I had not quite let go yet. Let go of wanting all the things I still wanted which motherhood did not allow. I felt like everyone else was living this life I wanted and I was stuck at home. I wanted a great job and to travel for work and to get out and about with friends and go to festivals and all of the things.
About 4-5 years into being a mum a got some freedom and had the opportunity to do some of those things which I longed to do while feeling like I was slaving away at home to my family. It was a relief and I was really grateful for the freedom.
When I entered into my 6th year of being a mum hubby took a step back from work and I became more of the full-time worker. I got my life and choice back and it was a relief initially. A funny thing happened though. After 6 months or so I started to realise all of the fantasies I had of how my life would look different if I didn’t have children were not quite what I had imagined.
In the fantasy everything is great but in the reality there is the good and the bad. I started to miss being a mum. I missed the slow. The sitting on the beach watching my kids play in the sand for hours with nowhere to be and nothing to do. The funny thing was when I was there I missed the busy haha. Why is it we are never happy with where we are.
It was at this point that I thought I could do a 3rd baby. It took hubby and I 2 years to decide to have a 3rd as it was always something we talked about but I did not think I would cope. After struggling with 2 kids for a good 2 years I thought 3 might push me over the edge.
But something happened. At 6 years into being a mum I finally let go. I finally accepted that I was a mum first and I was ok with that. I stopped resenting my kids and started to realise they were the best fantasy of all. I had done the full circle.
My second daughter started prep today and as I dropped her off and walked away with a 6 month old in my arms knowing I had 5 years ahead of me with this little guy before he goes to school I was ok with that.
Hubby has gone back to full time work this year and it is just me and my little Mr full time for now.
My heart is excited about the slow with him. Sitting at the beach for hours, catching up with girlfriends for coffee and doing the brain numbing baby thing because I know this is the green grass but I had to discover that myself. It took me 6 years but I have finally let go of me and accepted us and it is the bestest.
If you are struggling don’t stress you will get there. You may have to be selfish for a bit and discover whatever it is you need to discover which will bring you back to realising our kids and this family thing is the shizzle. Don’t get me wrong they still make me mental on a daily basis and I still feel like a slave to this family hahaha but I am ok with that because I know this matters.
Written By Sam Shazzam aka School Mum