Something is changing! I am not sure exactly what or why but I can feel it. Deep down I can feel more than ever my relationship with my kids is at this critical point where what I do is really starting to matter (I know what we do always matters but this is different).
There is something deep down telling me that if I lose them now it is going to take quite some time to get them back.
By them I really mean just Miss 7 nearly 8 (my oldest). Miss 4 is still with me and Mr 9 month well I am his favourite haha. Miss 7 however can take me or leave me sometimes.
Parenting is tricky and things are changing. More than ever I want my kids to know that I will listen, I am safe and they matter to me BUT I can see me getting in the way. My needs vs their needs but not on a conscious level.
This morning when I went to school Miss 7 asked me to walk her to F block because that is where she was meant to wait. We normally wait in the prep area with Miss 4. Miss 7 does ask most days but it is tricky because I have the 3 kids and depending on where I can get a park etc it is just not possible. This morning that was the loose plan. As we got out of the car Miss 7 noticed a friend of mine walking down to the Prep area with her child and immediately I thought well let’s go down there and say hi because that would be nice for everyone (including me). Straight away Miss 7 started to arc up. After a stressful morning, which included our stove stop espresso exploding and creating a 15 minute unexpected cleaning job for me and hubby, I just wanted a cruisey morning. Miss 7 however did not want a cruisey morning she wanted me to take her to F block and be excited about that but I was too busy trying to get my own needs met and I saw a little bit of her belief in me get crushed.
I did walk her to F block but it was too late the damage was done. She experienced me put her aside so I could get what I wanted even though I had agreed to something else. At the time this was not a massive woohaa. A bit of whinging and bickering but that is a daily occurrence in our house. As I walked away from her to take Miss 4 to her prep room she looked back at me and I could see in her eyes she felt like she did not matter as much as me or the others. And to be honest in that moment she was right. What I wanted mattered more than what she wanted and right then I could see if I kept that up I am going to lose her. I can see her giving up on me in some ways and that breaks my heart.
I find it challenging to have 3 kids at all different ages and be present to their needs and constant state of being. I can see how the oldest suffers at times because it is always new with them and you are learning as a parent.
I have no advice to give these are just my thoughts for today but one thing I do know is I want my kids to feel like they are a priority to me, that they can trust me, and that they matter individually. Juggling life and family is hard but I am going to fight myself for them because they matter.
The things that seem like little things to us are often big things to our kids. If we don’t listen to their little things then they won’t tell us the big things later on.
Things are changing … I can feel it … I know that means I have to start changing too … again!!
Written By Samantha Jockel AKA School Mum